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Two slaps and a push

And it is depressing. It is painful. It is pathetic. They both were looking into each others eyes with anger. Both hated each other. I was in the kitchen when she started talking loudly. She was yelling at Papa. Papa is always calm and trys to make understand. But she is stubborn. She is cruel. I tried to make her understand too but she was arogant.She said she would hit Papa if i was absent there. I couldn't handle myself and threw an object on the ground with harsh anger which landed near her. Their conversation was killing me inside. "I want to die" she said. A home without mother wasn't imaginable. We all love her and when she behaves this way it goes out of mind that we adore her.
The object landed near her and in anger she stood up and walked towards me holding the hard metal in her hand. For a second i thought she would hit me with that. Rather she slapped me hardly and pushed me out of the kitchen. She is mean. Pushed me out of the back door of the house and said not to get in the house and leave. Her ego is wild. "You are not my Grandma!" she spoke with harsh words.
Her rude behaviour made me cry badly. I went to the stairs when my Papa saw my sobs and called me in. But i without uttering a word went away to the stairs. Sat alone and cried out loud. Questioned myself if i was right or wrong. Felt sucidal. The thought of sucidal comes because there is no-one to talk about this. How can i tell my friends or best friend that my mom is such! How can i tell about this to my boyfriend! I cannot let this things out to anybody. All i can do is cry and think to escape. I'm 19 and still can't spell my opinion in my house. Maybe because I don't earn or maybe because they have a big ego. I wanted to go away somewhere where i didn't have parents. What is better? To be an orphan or to have parents who fight? I was left numb.
What stopped me thinking about sucidal was my boyfriend! He had sent me an article which said "talk to people or somebody close when you think about..." But here i can't even tell him I'm feeling so because of my parents.
Then i opened my phone to ring my best friend to talk about something to distract. And what i found is that she was having a good time with her boyfriend​. Adding to the heap of thoughts going on in my mind, my boyfriend and i have a long distance relationship so i can't even meet him.
All what i felt this time was confused, ambitious about my career. Broken but then strong. Still sitting on the stairs thinking what to do. Should i forgive her or just let it go. Can't be normal. So then i decided to go straight away in the bathroom and take a bath and wander to find myself who is lost.
-6:06 p.m.  , Sunday,26 March